For me, the most prominent reaction I had was denial, not in the sense that I didn’t acknowledge the virus exists, but more like – even with all these changes, I can still live my life as normal, just with less face to face interaction. I was trying to reassure my family that all these changes were fine, even when they were really not, so I acted like nothing affected me. However, my facade of indifference has cracked at the oddest times: in my first conference call for work, I had a panic attack; I cried listening to happy songs; I did a video conference with some kids from my youth group, and I teared up once I saw their faces. I still am not ready to express my grief to my family, and I probably won’t ever be ready for that, so I’m so very thankful for this space.
I feel nervous and guilty writing this but I’ve realised that I’m not close or connected to anyone around me. I’ve kinda felt like this for a while so I’ve been making sure to communicate with everyone during isolation to try and hopefully change it, but I just feel completely disconnected from them. I don’t feel as though I have a meaningful, personal connection with anyone. I know it’s my own fault but I don’t know what to do, especially with so many limitations now. How do I connect with them during this time when I couldn’t before? I feel like a fraud.
Oddly enough I feel like this time has created more connection for me. I FaceTime, text, call and zoom people more often than ever before. I’ve also talked with, zoomed or messaged people that I haven’t spoken to in such a long time. It feels like although we’re all separate from one another this crazy time is bringing us all closer together.
I’ve been limiting my need to go out for essentials out of respect for the community and the person I live with. It’s been 2 weeks since my last outing. I am not okay, but someone on the internet said whatever I’m doing to cope is okay and I believe them. However, I’m expecting my human suit to start melting off at any moment as the days blend into one as I glitch out on the floor, hoping that someone will come mop me up. And I’m hungry. My plant children are doing better than I am. I miss going out with people only to feel like I actually want to stay home alone. I miss when it was a choice. I have found solace, though, in living my best lives in the Sims. It’s a great distraction. I’m a lesbian cook trying to carve my way into the secret agent field. Someone’s got to bring home the bacon, am I right? I really am hungry.
This morning I went on a long bike ride. When I got back home I talked to my neighbors from a distance while I picked up debris in the garden. I saw a bee with two legs fully loaded with pollen, continuing to work and go about her day completely unaware of the pandemic, crashing economy and shutdown of a long familiar way of life.
Honestly I’ve been enjoying working from home so much. Yes I take less breaks and I’m busy af but even right now im sitting on my couch in silence – a moment of peace and solitude that’s absolutely impossible to experience in my office. I hope that after this is all over, my company will realize that we can WFH 3 days out of the week and we will all be fine
There is a constant howling of emergency vehicles outside my home. Just like the virus, I can’t see them. It is an invisible battle for the life of fellow New Yorkers that is going on out there. And I can only hope that I won’t get caught up in the middle of it.
Going on a bike ride because that’s about all there is to do right now.
I love you!