Message No. 857

Sunday, April 12, 2020 at 2:41:38 PM EDT

For me, the most prominent reaction I had was denial, not in the sense that I didn’t acknowledge the virus exists, but more like – even with all these changes, I can still live my life as normal, just with less face to face interaction. I was trying to reassure my family that all these changes were fine, even when they were really not, so I acted like nothing affected me. However, my facade of indifference has cracked at the oddest times: in my first conference call for work, I had a panic attack; I cried listening to happy songs; I did a video conference with some kids from my youth group, and I teared up once I saw their faces. I still am not ready to express my grief to my family, and I probably won’t ever be ready for that, so I’m so very thankful for this space.

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Message No. 855

Sunday, April 12, 2020 at 2:41:20 PM EDT

I feel nervous and guilty writing this but I’ve realised that I’m not close or connected to anyone around me. I’ve kinda felt like this for a while so I’ve been making sure to communicate with everyone during isolation to try and hopefully change it, but I just feel completely disconnected from them. I don’t feel as though I have a meaningful, personal connection with anyone. I know it’s my own fault but I don’t know what to do, especially with so many limitations now. How do I connect with them during this time when I couldn’t before? I feel like a fraud.

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Message No. 853

Sunday, April 12, 2020 at 2:40:51 PM EDT

Oddly enough I feel like this time has created more connection for me. I FaceTime, text, call and zoom people more often than ever before. I’ve also talked with, zoomed or messaged people that I haven’t spoken to in such a long time. It feels like although we’re all separate from one another this crazy time is bringing us all closer together.

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Message No. 561

Saturday, April 11, 2020 at 6:49:26 PM EDT

I’ve been limiting my need to go out for essentials out of respect for the community and the person I live with. It’s been 2 weeks since my last outing. I am not okay, but someone on the internet said whatever I’m doing to cope is okay and I believe them. However, I’m expecting my human suit to start melting off at any moment as the days blend into one as I glitch out on the floor, hoping that someone will come mop me up. And I’m hungry. My plant children are doing better than I am. I miss going out with people only to feel like I actually want to stay home alone. I miss when it was a choice. I have found solace, though, in living my best lives in the Sims. It’s a great distraction. I’m a lesbian cook trying to carve my way into the secret agent field. Someone’s got to bring home the bacon, am I right? I really am hungry.

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Message No. 532

Saturday, April 11, 2020 at 4:40:52 PM EDT

This morning I went on a long bike ride. When I got back home I talked to my neighbors from a distance while I picked up debris in the garden. I saw a bee with two legs fully loaded with pollen, continuing to work and go about her day completely unaware of the pandemic, crashing economy and shutdown of a long familiar way of life.

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Message No. 461

Friday, April 10, 2020 at 6:11:00 PM EDT

Honestly I’ve been enjoying working from home so much. Yes I take less breaks and I’m busy af but even right now im sitting on my couch in silence – a moment of peace and solitude that’s absolutely impossible to experience in my office. I hope that after this is all over, my company will realize that we can WFH 3 days out of the week and we will all be fine

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Message No. 335

Friday, April 10, 2020 at 2:53:40 PM EDT

There is a constant howling of emergency vehicles outside my home. Just like the virus, I can’t see them. It is an invisible battle for the life of fellow New Yorkers that is going on out there. And I can only hope that I won’t get caught up in the middle of it.

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Message No. 323

Friday, April 10, 2020 at 2:41:47 PM EDT

Going on a bike ride because that’s about all there is to do right now.

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Message No. 321

Sunday, March 1, 2020 at 6:11:18 PM EST

I love you!

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