Call No. 902

Hi, I’m calling from Brooklyn, and I’m in my room right now, so surrounded by room things, mundane things like my bed and my desk. And, this is a weird time. My room has four windows in it and two of them face South and two of them face East. And so, I don’t really have a choice in the morning, whether or not I get up early. I’ve just been getting up early. So many days have been longer. I’ve been talking to people that have had the opposite experience. Even longer than, I was awake for in the before times, if you will.

This time is terribly frightening. But there are good things that are coming out of that, and I know I’m not alone in observing that. I was on the phone with my therapist last week and expressing guilt about how I, as someone that suffers from mood swings and anxiety and depression, feel like some of my symptoms, recurring symptoms have lightened up. He said that that is not abnormal, and that’s not the first time he’s heard that from a patient. And I think the biggest difference, having now been quarantined for just about a month and having had the virus earlier, middle rather of March, and I’m fine… It’s not the most fun thing in the world, but I’m really lucky I had a mild case… Time’s giving me the chance to ask some really big questions that I think life was moving too quickly before and, to allow for them to be asked. Like, am I happy with what I’m doing? I’m a full time musician. And, a lot of people on the outside look in and say, Oh, well you have your dream job. And in many ways that’s true, but I haven’t been able to sit with myself for a long time and say, you know, is this what I want? You know, or rather, is the way I have things set up right now, conducive to being my best self quote unquote. Am I taking care of myself? Am I taking care of, you know, my family? Am I surrounded by, and I guess we can say digitally surrounded by people that help me grow and help me be the best version of myself, or are there people in my life that are preventing me from doing that?

Am I eating well?

And it’s been, yeah, I don’t think it’s good or bad, and I think it’s also good and bad. You know, it’s the gray area, that I’ve been feeling a lot of during this time. And asking those questions. But, you know, with every passing Zoom call, you know, with every passing Instagram message and text and Facebook, you know, message and Instagram live concerts, I do feel like I’m becoming more grounded. At least right now, my work involves, music, but music with large, large, large groups of people, specifically amateurs and, you know, without the ability to congregate in person, I have, you know, no work. And so practically speaking, I’m fine. Spiritually, it’s been interesting to see and artistically to see, where I’m missing things the most, and also surprisingly things that I thought I would miss, but I’m not missing it all. Hence asking the big questions. So we’ll see.

I hope everyone stays well. And I also hope that other people who are finding themselves feeling better, mentally speaking, during this time can forgive themselves for feeling guilty and know, that that’s a valid feeling to have right now. And to just live with that as long as we’re in this. I don’t think… People keep saying we’re going to go back to normal quote unquote, or some combination of those words, the variants of that word, and I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think the world before was the world before. And the world has now forever changed.

And I think about that as someone that works in large scale group meetings. That’s the crux of my work. Are people gonna want to do that anymore? I think there’re going to be some people that crave it and there’re going to be some people that are forever freaked out. I just can’t handle going into a room with, you know, X number of hundreds or thousands of people. So for now, I’m going to keep asking the big questions without expecting answers. Going to keep eating oatmeal and wanting to keep waking up at six in the morning. So, thanks so much. You well, stay healthy, have a good day.

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