Call No. 1460

Thursday, May 7, 2020 at 11:02:57 PM EDT

Hi. It’s around almost three o’clock where I’m at. I’m in Pennsylvania. I left New York City about a month and a half, maybe more, a little bit longer than that, and came back to PA. So I’m with my family again, and I’m in my childhood bedroom, which is an adult bedroom now. But this whole thing is really weird and I feel like I don’t take the time to step back and think about how I’m feeling.

My dad is a doctor. So I guess I’m scared for him every time he goes to work. I mean, he’s older now. And then my middle brother, he has had two kidney transplants and he’s only 21, so severely immunocompromised. So not only do I fear every day for my dad, but I also fear for when he comes home to my brother. And I think that’s something that I keep very subconsciously hidden. I’m a big believer in, I feel like I need to be the strong one, I need to be the one that keeps everything together. But, these are things that I do worry about every day. My dad takes off his clothes before he comes in the house and it’s a whole process. And I know all the other health care workers are going through the same thing, and I’m really appreciative for all of them.

But even just speaking to my own personal experience, I kind of was just getting into a place in my life where everything was working out for once. A lot of blood, sweat, tears and time was finally like bringing me to a place that I was feeling really secure. Financially, socially, even just romantically just getting out there more. And so I feel like this is something that I’ve always wanted to be in that place. And I put a lot of work into that. And I really was looking forward to, you know, now getting to travel more because I was in a more comfortable place in my life.

And so at that first when I came home with all this stuff going on, I felt like I was upset about that and I still am, but I was missing my life and I still do, and I miss my friends in New York, but it’s kind of like, that was my life as I knew it. Because life’s not going to be the same anymore.

And I really enjoy all the time that I’ve gotten to spend with my family now. I don’t think I ever would have gotten the chance to spend this much quality time with them ever again, just because there’s not a period that I would be at home for this long. So I’m really cherishing these moments, but I feel like at this point, for me personally, it’s not about so much the sadness of missing what life was, but it’s the sadness and, you know, the unknown of what life will be or what kind of life there will be to come back to. And I think that’s the scariest part for me personally, just because the unknown is so scary.

And now with the economy being really bad and everything else, I mean, I don’t even know if I’m going to stay in New York. And I know a lot of people will be moving out. And just this huge unknown factor. And I feel like I’m more sad every day about the future, almost, just because it’s so… For me, it’s so sad to see everything that I was trying to build. And now it’s like, are my friends going to be okay? Or, you know, my job. Thankfully, I’m still employed. I know that above all I’m the most grateful, the most thankful, that every day I wake up and I’m alive and I’m healthy and that my family’s alive and healthy, but I feel like as the day goes on, it kind of feels like I’m living the same day over and over and over again. And it’s just like, I get so sad about the future. Because it’s so, it’s such a big question mark.

And I know that as a society, you know, humanity will make it through this and everybody on the other side of it will be stronger. And you know, we’re going to make it through this. Like, I feel like just lately I’ve been having a hard time with, seeing that.

I was actually kind of nervous to call in. Even though I talk to people every day at work, talking to strangers is not something that would be in my comfort zone, but I’m really glad that I called in because I’ve been having a hard time sleeping and kind of just getting everything off my chest really helps. So thank you and hopefully this contributed in some way.